sorry ladies i dont know where to type this and again let me say before i start my post i am so so glad seren sweetheart) is getting better
support and hugs to kath
I just need some advice, i am feeling pretty low at the moment i dont mean to feel like this and really as before its all my fault , i am torturing myself over the past, i cant change it i wish i could and to be honest its making me feel very ill because i cant close the chapter i cant end it, it just goes round and round and when things get stressful its like this over whelming black casm that engulfs me and i feel i need to punish myself. i am not a bad person i hope yes i have lots of faults, yes i have always suffered with depression to greater or less extent but i am not a horrible person i have never done any one wrong. but when i come on here now i always feel a monster, i dont feel i have the right to be here because of my past. it doesnt help i am so tired all the time i am struggling at work at the moment i am contracted for 39 hours but every week without fail its 48 hours plus without my 10 hours travel each week i am tired stressed and to be honest today i sat in my office and cried, i am so tired some days i am up at 4.30 and outthe door by five to be at work for 6 finishing at 5 i am not paid for any thing over 39 hours i dont get it back but my contract says i have to work up to 48 hours each week so basically they get one day a week out of me without pay one day less with ben i feel terrible today i started work at 7.20 and worked all through till 8 non stop had argument with collegue got everything wrong messed up my manager is angry cause i am making mistakes but i just dont get why is it cause i am tired anf the thing is its only getting worse in 3 weeks times it will be 12 hour days 5 days a week we are so short staffed and they wont let us have any more staff . today i didnt even get to spend 10 minutes with ben and he was in bed till late. its been hard recently as it was connalls funeral anniversary on the 7th of jane i didnt get a moment to even think about it no one else remembered and connalls birthday was a bit of a low patch cause i was so broke i didnt get to spend what i wanted on flowers and every year i have a card from someone and this year i had not one card, Ben has been in the wars he fell over with simon the other day and gashed his eye and got a black eye, so i felt guilty strait away and then the other day tddling with his walker he feel over and got a nose bleed i have never been so horrifird in my life panic you name it everything it was awful to seebut to be honest what has made me low was i stupidly watched a documentry on social serviceds why i knew it would upset me especially the way i feel about social worker my experince with them i feel scarred for life, excet kath here i feel like i hate them all for what they put me through, i know the job they do is impossible and i feel for them but unfortunately they did they job to abruptly on me when i had my mental breakdown after ben they made my illness a living knightmare because i was honest i told them i was having scary harmful thought because i was unwell at the time i was terrifiedbecause i have never laid a hand on anyone , i was suffering from post traumatic stress, not functioning not eating, absolutely terrified that i was having such scary thoughts about my flesh and blood and others, telling them because i was so so terrified and what do they do threaten to take my baby off me and treat me like a criminal. do you know what it like to question your very being ask why you are going mad, i questioned my soul was i an evil person why was i thinking such terrible things, i would go and sit in the chapel every day and pray to god to make it normal make me sane, i never did any thing physically, it was all mentallyi was so terrified i i was controlled by this illness like because i believed if i couold think such scary thought s was i capapble of them. so social serivces read my the riot act told me i was not allowed to be allone with ben toldme i was a monster i spent three weeks living under that shadow that name everyone believed i was an evil person because ss were telling them all these untrue facts then 1fter 3 weeks i snapped out of it and became sane again but then the damage was done they left me after three weeks saying we are no lnger needed but now i live with the consequenses daily i live with the how was that my life, how do i ever ever forgive myself for what happened how do i tell others i am not a monster just an extremly severely ill person at the time and how can i express the pain i feel about it as time and toime again i live it the guilt every day.
they have taken away everything from me my belief and trust in myself, am i a bad person how can i think such awful things andhow do i trust myself ever again. the joys of having an baby. the guilt that only my side knew what was going on none of simons family knew what happened if they did they would disown me. i have got my letter back from the hospital apologising but its not enough for me. i cant find closure i want them to hurt for what they did to me not physically i wish i could sue them or something but itsnot going to change a thing and i always know its my fault, they were only reacting to what i was saying but i was saying the truth because i was so frightened i never thought i would be so punished for it. and to be honest now i will never be the same lisa again because i know i have this problem deep down and having coun celling has helped but why do i feel suc a monster and so guilty all the time i just want some justice some peace ofmind some docotr to apologise to me, social services to make it right and now every time ben falls over or hurts himself i feel likef ingers are pointing when i woould lay down my life for my child i am being judge on something i had no control over and i never meant for it to happen what do i do as its killing me living with this every day, and to top my bad day off my mum might have cancer its just been a shi7e day but as i said thank god seren is ok at least its good news on something
lisa xxx
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