hello ladies i have finially got 5 minutes to myself to type and i dont know where to post this i cant believe ben is nearly one years old 20 febuary its my birthday tommorow but to be honest i dont celebrate my birthday any more i feel i dont have the right with all the mistakes and terrible things i have done in the past couple of years and to be honest january just before a 6 wek payday no one has any money so i tell people not to bother, i am thinking also again
i am working minimum of 50 hours a week now and i barely get to see ben, and when i do i am so tired i feel i have lost a lot of the bond i built up with ben when he came home i feel depressed again and i feel frightened as because i feel less caring towards ben as i used to jump the moment he cried and stuff now i am more blase to it, also when i come home i dont spend quality time with him cause i am either to tired or there is something else to do housework etc, but that is awful as i love him and we still have our cuddles all the time but i dont know how to interact with ben how to play with him , how to do things to stimulate , i feel frightened he is behind in his learning as he is only just starting to speak gobidy gook , i am also frightend that i will scar ben that he has autism as he is doing strange movements like my nephew who has aspergers and the thing i worry about ben the most is that i have passed on any sort of mental health issue to him because it seems to run in our family nerves, stress and depression i dont want ben being ill like i have been i hope he grows up to be a healthy happy well adjusted individual who repsects nature and people and has good morals , i always worry have i made him insecure by cuddling and tickling him to much he loves to be touched and tickeld he is a very touchy baby i rub his face and hands alot when he is cuddling with me its our thing but now i am questioning everything have i caused some sort of emotional problems for later on inlife with how a a bad parent i am being, but i am so tired all the time, and now the bombshell my sister can no longer look after him so its nursery time and thats going to cost 800 a month we dont get any help as apparently we earn over the minimum yes right , i dont know where to go with things i feel down and depressed and every day wake up scared of myself and my mental state should it ever deteriate again, it feels like i have detriated alot i do feel i have slipped back down immensly because i am so tired of life, no money, in debt, in a marraige that hasnt been a marraige in a long while put on so much weight through depression, and all the mental angusih i feel for ben but its all my own doing its all my fault, i can change things its just i feel so depressed about how life is no longer filled with happiness except ben also i still havent sent that letter off to the hospital telling the mental health docotors and social services what i think of their care and dealings of sick people. i need to do it and i need to do it before bens birthday so i can at least have had my say and put it to rest then but its not going to change my history its not going to change the shameful memories i feel ,i am only starting to be able to look at bens photographs now from when he was in scbu, and i cant ever come to terms with the shame and anger i feel at my situation and what people must think of me how people must of hated me and the terrible things i said but i was ill but i was still in control i knew my mind , having a baby after loosing connall should have been the happiest in my life but its scarred and i cant change or deal with it, i turned into a monster when why didnt my mother instinct kick in and me feel like i would lay down my life for him instead i was threatening him completely rejecting him how do i live with that for the rest of my life i feel like a monster all the time but that monster was my fault , if there is a god i would pray and ask him to help becuase i am out of ideas on how to be a decent good parent and how to get better and deal with these mental issues that have plagyed me for so long i want ben to like me not hate me or be afraid coz his mother is nuts sorry betta stop other wise am going to start sobbing
lisa
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